It may sound a bit cynical, but although its all true, all written in a enraged rant at about 4am after a very busy night, it is still all in fun – and all in all, very good advice! So read on, and ditch your rookie ways!

Rule 1)

When the bar is packed and you’ve been waiting in line at the bar, here’s a thought…..KNOW WHAT YOU WANT WHEN YOU GET YOUR TURN. Jeeeeez people. Ya kill me

Rule2)

When you do get your turn..NEVER ask, “whats good?” when I am slammin busy, my answer will always be “beer”. ***Rule 2-a) This may sound petty – and you know the saying – dont sweat the petty shit, just pet the sweaty….oooh, yikes sorry…But here’s the deal – Please don’t say, “make me whatever” I don’t know why we bartenders hate that, but we do, so just order something, . .anything. . . at VERY least say “a vodka drink of your choice” or “anything with tequila”….give me something to go on, please.

Heres a good one – “I want something fruity, …and really strong, but I dont want to taste the alcohol”… I have three little words for you…f**k right off

Rule3)

Never, and I mean NEVER ask the bartender to “Hook It Up” or “make it strong”. This is exponentially true if the bartender doesn’t know you and / or it is your first drink in the place. If you are a good tipper, you’re next drink will be very strong. We half comotose bartenders can’t remember our own work schedules and we frequently forget a mandatory meeting,(especially if it a “annual cleaning party”)…but we will remeber a good tipper every damn time.

Rule4)

Don’t tell the bartender your not going to tip until the end. This, in bartender language translates to: “this guy (or girl) is not going to tip at all beacause they want to use the little money they have to drink as much as possible, and then they are going to be wasted and forget.” That is, if they ever intended on the “at the end tip” anyway..which, let’s be honest, we both know you never intended on it.

Rule5)

This is for the 21 year old birthday partyers…there are other shots besides 151. And a side note, almost every single 21 b-day guy or gal who I have served a 151 shot to, has ended up puking. very few exceptions. If thats your goal – sweet, Ill even make it a double to hurry that along for you. But, there are shots that are strong, and actually taste good, and, you wont be puking, well lets face it, yes you will, but not quite as quick.</P>

Rule 6)

Dont pay or tip the bartender in purse change – You know who you are- This isnt because I dont appreciate the thought – you are just making yourself look like a complete idiot and I am trying to enlighten you and educate you on how you look to others. I would rather get stiffed on a tip than count the handful of nickels and pennies you dumped on the counter. You look like a homeless person. Actually I would appreciate it coming from a homeless person, I dont appreciate it from the paris wannabe that -when attempts at getting someone to buy you a drink has failed so miserably that you have to resort to scraping the couch cushions and ashtrays to come up with enough money for the one $3 ladies night special drink you are going to sip on all night and use the” I am so drunk” mating call in a desperate effort to have that second drink paid for by some poor military guy the night before he leaves for iraq. Im over it. Keep your change, and dont complain about me when I dont take your f**king change. Suck it up. Get a job.

Rule7)

Have you ever wondered what an appropriate bartender tip is?…Let me just give you some pointers – If you a running a tab and the bartender has been taking care of you, maybe even bought you a shot or a drink, give an estimate of what amount you got for free, mentally add it on to the bill before you decide on that tip…for example…Last night the boss of one of our employees other jobs comes in with a few people, I put a ROUND of drinks for them on my tab – a “Comp” tab, probably about $25 to $30 worth of cocktails, it was a very busy night, where by the way he was banging on the counter, snapping and waving at me in the middle of me taking other peoples orders (enough of a jack-ass that I was really REALLY sorry that I compd those drinks)..and at the end of the night his tab was $75…he left us $5. FIVE. 1-2-3-4-…5. Not even 10%. Add on the comp $25, his tab wouldve been about $100, good regulars wouldve left $30…he left FIVE. Do you think I will ever take care of him again? NOPE. Will his snapping and waving get ignored? YEP. Like he is the f’n invisible man. He got in my face and interrupted me while I was straining to hear an order from someone who had been waiting and I said – “you are going to have to wait until I am finished with this “- Maybe that pissed him off – I dont care, I dont jump out of order for anyone, unless you are a very good regular, polite, good tipper, and SOMEWHAT patient. So that is what NOT to do. If you are ordering a standard beer or wine or drink, $1 each time is nice, if you are running a tab and satisfied that the bar staff got to you as fast a humanly possible, 20% is nice too. My best regulars tip over 30% and get treated accordingly…So find your comfort zone…do what you need to do…but if you think tipping is not required, do what you do in your comfort zone – somewhere else.

This is not a rule, maybe just a request. If you are under 25 and you went to red robin last week and they have some sort of funky shot that their 22 year old bartender made up in his spare time while he wasn’t playing World of Warcraft, and its called oh, I don’t know… A juicy fantoosy… and you think this is a real drink, then you get irritated with me for not knowing it and ask for another goofy thing like oh, I dont know, a flaming green monster….and still get more irritated, so I just walk away like I cant hear you talking anymore…dont take it personally. Just understand that every place has their own drinks. If you go somewhere like that and you like one of those drinks so much that you have to order it everywhere you go instead of the 3,000 other drinks we actually do make…then ask the bartender at red robin for the recipe and I will glady do my best to replicate it for you, with a smile….., and a drop of visine.

Two words about cheap people…1) When you ask the price of your beer and I say, $4, and you get the shock and awe look on your face and scream back – FOUR DOLLARS – do you realize what an ass you look like? It is what it is, I didnt set the price, my name aint on the shingle outside so the only thing you have managed to do is make everyone within earshot know you are cheap. 2) If you only have $6 in you pocket – ask the price of something before you order it. I have had a small but growing trend of people order, I make the drink, I say $7, and they say – OH, I only have $6…and then give me that look like, can I have it anyway?…GO AWAY…..wait one more thing… 3) When your drink comes to $5.25 and you give me $5, and I say , no I said $5.- 25 , and then I get the look like, OMG, I cant believe shes asking me for .25 cents…Yes, I am because I AM NOT FINANCING YOUR DRINK…it is $5-TWENTY FIVE, and if you dont pay it -I have to. So on top of me not getting a tip, you expect me to help you pay -I dont think so. – again GO AWAY. c’mon now

I Know this might shock you, but I have another pet peeve to add to the list. For this one -you may actually have to be a bartender to really understand … O.K.- The guy walks up, orders 2 or 3 drinks and then gives you the raised eyebrow-deer in headlights look that means “how much?”.. all the while he has a double-fisted-white-knuckled-firm grasp on his $20..he’s not gonna hand that money over until I tell him exactly how much it is..now maybe most bars have a standard two or three tier price structure, but at the good ol place I work.., the owners all got trashed one night and assigned a different price to every drink on our list…so about 50% of the time I can guess pretty close, but, well I digress…the point is the idiot with the $20 aint lettin go until I ring it up and tell him to the penny exactly how much it is….WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR JACKASS?, …just hand it over and I will give you the change! These people have created a monster in me, now what I do is just give it my best guess, round up and give them a total that MAY OR MAY NOT Be exactly correct, if they stick around for the change, Ill give it, if they dont….they dont! Due to the fact that my list keeps getting longer, sometimes I think maybe, just maybe it is time to get out of the business. But to be honest the list of what I do like about bartending is a lot longer than what I dont like about it…I think. Maybe its time to reassess

Friends, I am telling you these things out of the goodness of my heart, really. You dont want to be that guy, or that girl- do you? All of my regulars are fun people, great tippers, be one of them. Its an open invitiation. Its fun really,we have a good time- try it. Last – I just want to say to those great regulars – and you all know who you are – Thank You from the bottom of my glass – You’re the best.

By Chanun Vachu